Carrying the Weight of Your Name

Only recently it comes to my understanding (deep understanding), that every word contains meaning. Each word means to describe physical appearance, detailing (color, texture, and shape), behavior and lot of things beyond my capabilities to describe.

Let try one quick experiment. When you read ‘cat’ what is the thing that appear in your mind?

Perhaps, the same things that appears in my mind. We will imagine an animal, full with fur, whiskers, purr, and cute, lovely, sharp teeth and have claws. Name the details we might imagine the same. For those who are very much in contact with cats, they probably can imagine in more detail. For example the most famous cat in the internet is Maru (from Japan), cat dislike when we touch their feet, they will sound a specific sound when they see lizards, etc, etc.

That is how word contains meaning and this meaning is very specific.

That is how I now really understand the importance of the knowledge been given to Prophet Adam. Prophet Adam was thought the knowledge to name things, in scientific term as taxonomy. It is look like very simple but has strategic role and value in it. With this knowledge, Prophet Adam has been elevated to superior level to compare with the angels. Then the angels were asked to prostrate before Adam.

Isn’t it a beauty? The knowledge to name things is very significant to human being, so only then we can discretely identify things.

Now, how about your own name? Isn’t it comes from a good word. It is very rare that our parent will name us with bad name (word) aieee? So, your name will act on similar basis. The word itself contains meaning, and that is actually a prayer from parent to their children. They want you to become good, as the name accompany you along the way.

Again, let try one quick example.

Joseph (Yusof), is the name of a prophet. He is very handsome man, kind hearted, superb and brilliant leader, visionary, wisdom and virtue, the keeper of the knowledge of dream interpretation and so on. But the word describe Joseph that is common to people is handsome. So, you will bring the weight of this name, to become handsome and have charismatic appearance to other people.

…and Muhammad. The name is reflection of praise. And now we do know that our Prophet Muhammad sawa is worthy of praise, reflect to his name, as what Allah Himself ask us to do. Every morning, day and night to praise his name, when we perform prayer, when we are about to make supplication to Allah, we will praise Prophet Muhammad names, as adab in prayer, and to seek for intercession by his name.

Subhanallah. Again, isn’t it a beauty.

I’m struggling all these years to find the literal meaning of my name. Unfortunately, I’m the only children carrying a name without a literal meaning in it. Sad? I tell you the truth, yes, I’m quite sad. I searched the meaning of my name in many books (name and its meaning) and I bought Arabic dictionary to find out by myself for the sake of my doubt. Maybe my name is too unique so that it can’t find it way inside name book. But definitely my name is common. There are peoples with my name even though I’ll agree it is not too many. So I search the root word in Arabic dictionary. Not a single Arabic character match with my name written in Arabic (I’m using Al Marbawi dictionary).

To be true, I’m sad with this. I’m always this question inside my head, why my parent did not named me with a name that associate with literal meaning in it. While my other siblings do.

But now I know this realm, somehow I don’t have to carry the weight of my name. There will no expectation, generalization, specification and identification. Considering this aspects, this is good, doesn't it?

But I have a name and it is now open to give literal meaning for who I am. And I will, define it with a good meaning, by Allah will, by Allah will, InsyaAllah.

You, whom been given with a name with meaning, you’re carrying the weight of your name. Live it to the expectation, because you are…the name.

My Father

I seldom talk about my father, even I do sometime write about my father in this blog and my other blog. The thing is, I always wanted to be what I am, without people think and say; how come she can’t get all of that achievement, her father was him.

I’m reluctantly to be overshadowed by my father. But the truth is, I’m always my father’s child. If one day I should have an academic name, my name should be known as, Alias, A.

I’m very much selfish right?

Yeah, no matter how I think, I know that my father have a lot of impact and influence in me, making me who I am. Believing what I am. Most of the things I do are to prove to him I am worthy to be his child. I have his quality, his talent, his wisdom and all. Yeah, I’m very much struggled to be him, even I only get just a partial of his talents. The rest rests inside my other siblings. That is why I can’t do music and painting. I only can write but still I’m struggling to be at par of my father’s talent.

We seldom talk, because he was the man of action. He showed his love by action. Always make his family as number one priority rather than to satisfy his own needs and to indulge in his works. That is sacrifice to me. For a person who very much involve in literature and writings, composing music and play instruments, color and painting, he just let everything go for the sake of his family; that’s a lot of sacrifices to do.

I’m thinking if one day people ask me to stop and give up writing, I will apparently get mad and go crazy. That is too much in asking.

But my father was like that; a man of action, a man that knows his priority, a man without words, but plenty of beautiful words inside his heart. A man who are willing to sacrifice everything, to make sure we are born in this world, sharing the beauty lies in this Earth, spend every penny he had to make sure we learn and be independent, although we always hurts his feeling. How can a man can do this much?

Yes, I’m very much selfish. I never told my friends that my father was a writer, very good writer in fact. Because of his humbleness, we never actually read his published works neither see certificate of his achievement. Some of us have the privillage to read, but most of us not. That goes to his other masterpiece in song writing, composing, mastery in musical instruments, script writing, screen play and other artworks. He keeps it for his own to remember. Or now I believe that, he keeps it so that we will choose our own path without being burden to follow his footsteps. How can a man, sacrifice up to this extreme extend?

For a man, it is very much important for us to see, one or two of our child resemblance us in achievement and attitudes, but not my father. He kept everything away, so that we can be raise and believe you are good for what you are, you can choose the path that you like, you never have to become a teacher same like me, you can always be anything you like, you don’t have to have any art abilities and to perform it well, you can always be what you want to be.

That was and is my father.

I kept the fact I was raised by a father like his kind away from my friends and teacher knowing. I want them to believe that I perform base on my original talent. Even if my father still alive, he will let me to do that. I’m being selfish, I know. But deep inside my heart, I know that I can’t get anywhere farther from him, because he was my father, whom I love so much.

I keep it as secret because I’m still not yet at par with his achievement. How can I declared to crowds he was my father, if I’m still not worthy to be mention. And I still am, not worthy to be mention. But I can’t wait anymore. I’m afraid the time (where I’m worthy to be mentioned) never come.

But today, as my heart grows bigger missing him, I know that I just can’t keep it anymore. Whatever I do, it is a struggle to be like him. I hope that one day when I have the guts to mention, I already be somebody. So that people can see, the person that shaped me well and loves me unconditionally was him. He was my father who always there for me even he did not have any words to speak with me. But throughout the years, when he still alive or when he has already gone, I know that he speaks loud and clear, with the blood that circulate inside my body and vein. I heard him now, so clear and precise.

My father, Alias bin Haji Sulaiman (1932 - 2004), a teacher.

I’m indebted to him for all my life. Thank you for having me, love me still even I’m not a very good child to you, whom called me with my full name over and over, never my short name. Knows what make me happy and what I like, care about my well being.

Ayah, thank you to criticize me sincerely even you love me so much. You did that in order I’ll be guided and will not response to false praise.

Ayah, thank you to scold me when I’m not using both hand when I used the computer.

Ayah, thank you making me keep repeating Al Fatihah over and over until I know where to place the alphabet (makhraj huruf) and used the correct tajweed.

Ayah, thank you to teach me how to make ketupat’s cover, both ketupat sate and bawang.

Ayah, thank you to teach me how to cut vegetables correctly, and eat with pleasant heart my bad cooking.

Ayah, thank you for teaching me how to choose. You have made me understand to use systematic approach to choose when it is too hard for me.

Ayah, thank you to show us right and wrong, to uphold virtue, values and wisdom. Still giving even you have nothing. Being humble and sincere, and be a great father to me.

Ayah, thank you watching me straight at my face. I know that you wanted to say goodbye that day, a day before you’ve been released from this world. I still remember you face at that moment, and will be, towards the eternity. InsyaAllah.

Ayah, thank you for believing in me, bless me, forgive me, love me, only then I can be who I am.

Ayah, even you never heard this, I love you.

Happy Fathers Day to Ayah, Abah.

To all fathers out there who had sacrificed a lot for the well being of your children.

Yes of course, to you too, Cikli, Hans Words, Empangan Jernih, Cikgu, Anak Bumi.

(Thank you Ayah for looking straight to the camera, so we convinced that you're still watching.)

Al-Fatihah.

helping others

I just learned from a respected scholar quoting Zig Ziglar, in order for you to succeed in everything you do and hope for, you need to help others. He means others not for a few people, but a lot of them.

He, well, a renown scholar which I recently met, a muslim but believing what Ziglar said as true word of wisdom and worth practising. Of course, seeing him in front of my eyes with list of achievement, awards, recognitions, iconic in his field, well, I really can't write all, as a living prove for what Ziglar actually mean.

Of course this best practices can be found in Muslim book of wisdom, Al Quran which requires us to do the same. Almost every verses related to solah (prayer) will be accompany with the act of giving to others.

'Aqimussolah wa itauzzakah'

I only read that verses as it's literal meaning. But when I can organized my thinking system, then I believe we should give to others as much as we perform solah.

Well, helping others is a big word for someone that only think for himself. Someone who seek for personal achievement rather than aiming for community to prosper.

I believe in Quranic verses. I see this scholar's pile up achievements and still increased every year. I know that he is not helping others to have want he want. He already have everything.

I'm thinking of myself, can I do the same?

Just sharing thought

I really don't remember when was the last time I write in this blog, sharing things with you. Perhaps my cliche excuse is limited time (I don't really have time to write, duhh, that is really lame excuse), but the real thing is I'm draining out energy and drive.

There are a lots of things happen concerning the world: the environment, the political issue, the mass movement in Arabic peninsular, global warming, the next lunar eclipse, next and coming election, and of course concerning my own universe; but sadly, I still can't write.

Now I learn that, you yourself can change routine and habits, not to mention what you actually believe that you can't do, but definitely you can. It is very simple to change, and surprisingly, you will have the energy and drive to complete the tasks and change your lifestyles.

It is simple. You just only need to re-defined priority and set your goal.

When you have done that, you will find that your body is full with the energy you need.

Then, your body, physical, mind, soul will respond to it. Without knowing how, you be able to complete tasks and succeed.

I never know it is easy to change things, until today. As simple as by setting priority and goal. But, of course you need to mean it. As I'm still not that good, I need extra motivation to wake me up.

I think I find one, insyaAllah, I hope at the end all ends well.

Need to change? Just re-defined your priority, InsyaAllah, with His mercy, He will grant you with the energy and drive to succeed.

Let do it together. Chaiyyok.

(see, I already write a new entry).

Alangkah Lucunya (Negeri Ini) (ALNI)- Indonesia

It is quite sometimes that I watched any parody film like this. But to tell you the truth, it has been written well and superb cast by Deddy Mizwar, Rahaedjo Slamet and 3 other young actors and actress.

It is a story of Muluk, well educated young man. Graduate with master in management, but failed to find any job that suit to his qualification and ability in management. Accidentally meet with a young boy that work as pickpocket. This boy then brings Muluk to his headquarters and introduce to his boss and colleagues. Surprisingly, Muluk offer the outlaw society a management service to manage their activities, income and education. He also promises the boys one day, they will be able to upgrade their profession from pickpocket to entrepreneurs. As a return, Muluk will be pay with 10% of their income. So this strange mutual relationship begins.

Muluk invite his jobless friend Shamsul (Master in Education) to teach the boys basic things in education such as write and read, and on top of that, the importance of education. Muluk also invites jobless Pipit as a religion teacher to teach them right and wrong in life, so that they will become a better person.

This three young man and women work side by side for one objective, so that the outlaw boys will one day stop from pickpocket and earn pure (halal) money.

There are a lot of ironies being portray, at the same time still fun and funny to watch. Critics to politician, corruption, unequal distribution of wealth, education, management system, unemployment graduates, the future of young generation that has been left behind and too many to list, make this film worth to critics.

This film is parody because it will let the audience to question, will common values that been uphold by society still relevant, or we need new definition? Or there is nothing wrong with the values, only the government and society too blind to see that made bad things look good, and vice versa.

Will, its a mix feeling. But overall, ALNI is worth watching. You will enjoy with the movie and at the same time, being educate.

Fantasy Couple (Oppsss! I did it again)

Well don’t blame me. It is all of my friend bad behavior that made me caught with this addiction again. Yes, again it is Korean drama (I thought I might known some of Korean words know, Sarang Hae, Kurae, Anya, Jjangmyun, Kummawa, Chuwwa, Pollita, Othocajo, Kimchi, Ahjussi, Ahjumma, Unni, OMG I’m I that addicted?). But this time around when I’m attached with Fantasy Couple drama it really makes me looks and sound really pathetic. Now that I know that, even I wanted so much not to have any relation with Korean drama, past or present, this drama really shows that I know every catch of Korean drama. Seriously, I never thought about this before (that’s really make me not so cool anymore – yeah assuming that I’m super heavy material person that read, eat, sleep, watch, learn philosophy – yet soaked with Korean drama – how pathetic).


Before that, it is a really a rally. Beginning with You’re Beautiful, Boys over Flower (with F4 in it) and the last one Fantasy Couple (will you believe me this will be the last one?). I’ve told my friend already to keep away all the soft copy of Korean everything, I mean really everything, but she is not listening. So I’m actually wanted just to be nice to her right, keep her company to watch everything that filming on screen. Yet at the end, I’m the first person who will spare the best spot with spectacles (can you believe I’m actually wearing it to watch!) just to make sure that I’m reading every single subtitle on the tiny screen (should we change now to LED 42”).



Yeah, again it is still a cliché Korean drama ever. I even watched the Hollywood version of the same theme. This is a story of one rich lady losing her mind and then lost in a village which is totally 180o from her own life. This lady formerly known as Jo Anna then become Shang Shil need to adapt to her new life which so unfamiliar (even she don’t has any memory about it at all) and has to taste the life of mediocre. She was found by Jang Chul Soo (stingy man that concern about money, money and money), a villager small time contractor which lives with his three nephews. Shang Shil and Chul Soo caught in this situation because they are a real enemy. So this is the time for Chul Soo to win a big revenge to Shang Shil, ordering her around and practically made her as housemaid.

Have I told you that Shang Shil (Jo Anna) is multimillionaire? Just watch it, you will love the fun having someone who never knows how to do house chores and take care of 3 kids. But even so, Shang Shil is really in unfortunate state when her own family abandoned her. Never issue any missing people report, yet alone advertisement. Even she really have huge amount of saving. Yeah, this drama really can change emotion so quickly; at one time you will hate Jo Anna so much. When she really lost her mind, you will feel great about that. It is a payback time for Chul Soo. When she is Shang Shil, she change a lot, but still not a lot. Until then we know why she is so selfish before.

The real deal of this movie is how the script writer and the director consistently promoting traditional Korean food to audience, Jjangmyun and rice wine. Well to me, Jjangmyun don’t look tasty but yet it served a very important impact both on literal aspect of the drama, and to reach larger meaning of it. I mean why you’re looking for imported items (foods, cloths) which come from very unfamiliar culture but yet you have the best in your own culture as well.

Jjangmyun in this movie serve as the message to grip to your own tradition because that is what is close to you. That what actually suit to your taste, something that has been rooted inside you. The thing that you will not forget even you’re to faraway. This drama makes me reflect to Ratatouille movie (in term of traditional food) and make me wanted to learn how to make all of the Malay kuih (cookies – sorry I don’t find any English word for kuih) (kuih bakar, karipap, dodol, kaswi). Which make me wanted to promote Malay kuih in all my writings (I’ve done one in my new short story, please pray it will be published soon, and guys sorry it is only in Malay version).

Jjangmyun also acted as important item that bind both Chul Soo and Shang Shil together. The other message that we see now as not significant like before, in the world of fast food and you can by food anywhere. The time is when food served for physical need and at the same time as soul food as well. That why for those who brought up with the food cooked by their mom, will eventually still coming home. Mom will cook for you sincerely, with all of her heart, love and prayer. She hopes that you will grow up and be fine. That why it is call soul food. Same Jjangmyun served for Chul Soo and Shang Shil. The bind that grows bigger with food.

Oh, I’m not intended to make things confused, especially to all of you; it is not a story about food. It is actually a story that when you’re lost, the greatest thing that can happen is to be found again. It is obviously we hope that people that we knew, people that we believe are our family that holds on you, the one which will find you again. But this drama makes it even momentous, the most magical is when a person that loves you as you’re, with all the trades, for better or worse, find you. That will be the happiest moment ever. That will be the point, even the sky is the not the limit. The love that evolves will be the purest. Even you die; you will not die in vain.

But the thing is, my friend copy this drama incomplete. She actually store only 15 episodes. We actually believe the drama ended at that point. That episode turns to be as the most dreadful, intense emotion, that make me choke while crying (owh no, now you know how pathetic I’m when it is come to Korean drama). We believe the drama ended that way. The day when we actually finished episode 15 and believe that is the end of it, that is the day that make my day sooo gloomy. I even can’t sleep properly. Wake up early before dawn with my eyes wet, even the sky is grey, seriously. Is the sky celebrating my feeling? And yet I told my friend, the film should not end this way. There is no way Korean movie will be ended this way. Not the Korean drama I know and she should know that I’m really coherent (even I’m strongly wanted not to have any relation with Korean drama whether in the past or present).

She actually believed. So she search again and again inside her hard disk drive and external drive some more, but still not a sign. So we believe the fate of Chul Soo and Jo Anna is like that. Can you believe that? I was left with heartache for days. But somehow I knew that Korean drama is ever cliché, I knew that by heart. Without my friend knowing, I’m doing my own search at YouTube. The fireworks are now exploding in my head. There is episode 16 and that make my day. I can smile now, really, I’m smiling and I’m smiling at you.

Well, I’m not doing this to trap you in this addiction. It is actually bad, really! And make me not cool at all. So don’t, I mean really don’t ever, I tell you once again, don’t touch this genre. Even it is ever cliché, Korean dramas still have the grip. Once it grip you, it is hard to loosen it. Haven’t I warned you?

p/s: Not to make me so un'cool', I’m actually reading The Mysterious of Omar Khayyam 's Rubaiyyat (by Amin Maalouf) and On the Origin of Human Society (Malik Ben Nabi) simultaneously with what ever screening. Fair? Yup, enough for me.

Guys enjoy the movie.

You're Beautiful (Korea): Fall for The Star

I’ve long stopped watching Korean drama for ONE big reason, addiction. However, on the day I’ve lost all the data in my 8G pen drive, my friend cheer me up with Korean drama called You’re Beautiful. And that save me for the day. I even think that I might get sick for the misfortune that happens to me.

Well I never think that I will lost in that world again, as I have made my conclusion that Korean drama is ever cliché. So does this drama. But even so, only Korean can give me satisfaction of emotion and the grip till the end.

You’re Beautiful is a story about a commoner that live surrounded with pop stars, I mean superstars. This is a story about a girl (Go Mi Nyu) that has to replace his twin brother as a new member of AN JELL. Well AN JELL is definitely hit the list of Korean billboard and most famous group cast with Hwang Tae Kyung, Kan Shin Woo and Jeremy. The problem is Mi Nyu is a girl, she need to change all to become Go Mi Nam. To add for worst case scenario, she lives in a convent before and soon to become nun. In order to search for their long lost mother, Mi Nyu has to do it as Mi Nam fall sick at the time he been accepted to become a group member of AN JELL. That the beginning. So you can always imagine conflict that can emerge in such circumstances.

Surrounded with young, handsome, rich pop stars, what else can happen? Yes, Mi Nyu falls for this one bright star, Hwang Tae Kyung. To add for the bitterness of this, Tae Kyung is ever ego centric man that one can ever meet. And worst, both Mi Nyu and Tae Kyung parents have had a blast history which can caused them to separate forever.

Well, I’m fall for this story. I thought I will never affected again with this kind of addiction, but once I’ve step in the land of stars, my eyes never stop thinking and missing them every day. Othocajo? (What should I do?)

For all of the time I’m thinking of Mi Nyu. It is very hard to love somebody which is too far away to be reached. But yet he/she is the only one that shines which give you all the light you need to see. Otherwise even you have perfect eyes you won’t be able to have vision. But you still need to know where you are, realising that you are not match for his/her brightness. Even the stars blinking straight at you, smiling with their ever sincere smile, will you dare to have faith they are really watch you? No, you will not. You just a commoner with limited abilities to walk with them, talk casually without once caught being stupid and silly, look straight to their eyes, hear their words of wisdom admirably, feel warm with their appearance, being guided all the times, you just can’t do it. As they stand outstandingly on stage, you will think with all your heart, what it takes to reach ‘em? At the end, you will realise that you’re completely helpless. Fullstop.

It might be hard. I knew that for all my heart. When others advise to stop dreaming the impossible, you can only smile. You know the fact so well, even nobody tell you that, but once again, othocajo? (what will I do?)

Yes, what will you do, if The Star, the only one, that can make you, really see?

p/s: I’m ever blessed, I again see my North Star this week (it quit a long time, in fact a very long time), and it blinking straight at me. I’m waiting if faith once again can bring me close to my Orion Stars (constellation to be precise), so that I’ll be forever guided to the straight path of truth. To all of stars searchers, keep looking high at the night sky, one day you will realise that even you can be with them at where they are, the truth is, they are always be with you. Watching and smiling, keep you warm, guide you, and pray for you as you always pray for them. One day when you pass them in any circumstances, they’ll recognize you. That is enough, and that is truly a blessing.

You're beautiful, my rating 4 stars :)