Friendship

I never knew what is friendship mean until yesterday. You know, I never fail to get a lot of friend anywhere I go especially when I’m younger. It doesn’t mean that I’ve that charming character so that people are emerging around me. I just love to have friends and do something with them whether the ‘things’ are meaningful of just stupid as every young’s’ will venture.

The reason I be fond of friends is because I’m always feeling lonely at home. Being the youngest female in male domination family, I found it always hard to have somebody to talk to me as a person. The only talking are instructions and doing chores. If I been caught playing games with my brothers, I will directly been scolded. On contrary my brothers can do what they want and please. And to witness how minor I’m as I have no voice at all. To my family it always seems that I just don’t have good communication skill. I do want to talk but they just refuse to listen. After all they think that I’m too small to understand things and to be understood. That is the environment I grew and that make myself so timid.

But the world I believe is always about bounty and fairness. You have to look closely to see it. Countering my shortage God give me lot of good friends. Indeed too good until I feel that I just don’t deserve them. Their kindness is breathtaking. Their attitude is natural I presumed, because we have a lot of common stuff. We were still studying; staying at the same college, share same friends, doing similar activities, becoming team mate when we have assignment and all. You name it. But to us, it was very special because we were from different faculties. We took different courses but yet we can be close, so close than I can imagine.

Until one day, my mother has to be warded because she no longer can walk. The reason for this suffering was slip disc at my mom’s backbones. I still feel the sadness until now if I think about it. I’m young and struggle to finish diploma. I keep remaining in silence with all my friends. They did notice I'ved change but they never had guts to ask. I keep coming home every week and sometime during lectures days without telling them what happen. But my friends always knew that I need time to comfort myself and I’ll reveal my problems willingly. During that particular time, my friends treat me like nothing has been changed at all. They asked me to join activities even they knew I will turn them down. They wanted to see my smiling face again even though I just can’t.

One day on one small gathering, I told about my mom’s sickness and the sadness I’ve been through. Their face turning read and scolded me for that. Don’t be mistaken, they were mad because I refused to share my difficulties with them. They even said, “Aren’t we are your friends? Why it is so hard to share your sadness with us?” That question echoes in my memory until now.

Afterward they keep visiting my mom at hospital, weekend and weekdays. They give me strength I needed to finish my study. Luckily I’ved them and help me with all of their hearts. One of my friends even did more then I expected. She cooked ‘ikan haruan’ soup for my mother. ‘Ikan haruan’ is a fish in Malay tradition we believe it can help for recovery especially from open cut as in surgery. It is a very rare fish and not sold in market and only available at villages (at that time). My mom was operated in major operation for that sickness.

She purposely came back to her village for that fish, clean it up (it is tedious job to clean ikan haruan as the fish really has bad smell), cooked and bring it to hospital. She did it several times in order to make my mother healthy or she wanted me to be happy again? She even gave me raw fishes so that I can cook later on (which my mother never like it because I'm bad in cooking back then).

Years passed by, she married with four lovely children. As the life goes on, we are apart due to life circumstance that cannot be avoided. Even we have facebook, twitter, emails, name it all, life evolve and definitely we are changing. Life is not the same as it was. We remember friends, but friend will remain as friend. The relationship will never grow and has no future, aren’t they?

Yesterday, she proved me wrong. Friend will be remembered as friend, but to have the connection stronger, you have to consistently pray. To grow a friendship is about action even the person never admit that s/he love you. A relationship is never mean by constantly been connected to each other, it is all about the remembrance in heart. When this happen, even you don’t meet each other for 10 or more years, when you do, it seem just like only yesterday you’ve been away.

Yesterday she came for a visit with her family of course. The entire family treated my family of their own. When her childrens met me, the first thing they do is to embrace me as their long lost aunt rather than a stranger. Her last sons near 3 years old ask me to hold him immediately he saw me. Her daughter keep staring me with love and they are feel so free in my house like their own. Eventually I want to cry but I kept my face straight to avoid any Malay drama progressing in my own house. Her children do things which my nieces and nephews do in the house. They called my brother as “Paksu” rather than typical respect name for older person ‘uncle’. They called my mom as “Nenek” and they called me with special title. Only her children called me with that respected title. And I believe it will never be replicate to any other family, a title to celebrate the connection between me and their mother. I pray that the relationship will last longer than my own breath. Maybe when I been dismiss from this world, will they remember me and give their doa for me? I pray may they will.

When they are about to leave, my friend's daughters two of them, keep holding my hand. They keep shake hand with me every minute before they are in the cars. Even they are in the car, they reach out they hand to make another shake hand. One of her daughter explained why she did that, “we never know when we can meet you again.”

The world is about love and fairness. It will never short of these two magnificent feeling. I believe it with all my heart, will you?

My friend teaches me about true relation. Relationship is never meant of real connection, to be able to meet each other, having a good communication, share things. Relation is about remembrance and prayer. Relation is about action. Relation is about to have a good heart.

Then I learn that she constantly show my picture (old picture at college) to her childrens so that they can remember me, my face. She brings them to me so that they can know me, my family. She bring them to me so that I can hug them as my own, my kin.

Now I know that, what ever comes, if you still hold some memory about a person, consistently pray for her/him, you’ve been connected to a relationship. And that, make you…A FAMILY.

I think about you a lot, and I do pray for you, will you accept me as...your family?

Voice

When your voice of truth is unheard, use another tone.
Let it echoes to reach conscience
one day the grey cloud will be transported to a place
and raindrops
will make it white again.

Loosing Voice

I lost my voice and I'm seem invisible

People see me but they can't understand my words

I try to talk but they just can't hear

But I'm lucky because I've you

Be my tongue when I'm no longer can speak

Still hear my saying even I can't whisper

Sorry I just can't say it

But I know you can hear

My sincere heart beating

Thanking you, now and since

Allahumma yassir, wa la tu'assir. Rabbi tammim bil khair.

Up High

When you are blamed for performance failure, what will you feel? Yes we need critiques to improve our self, but condemnation is something unbearable. Condemnation without data and evidence is more wounding.

As a responsible person we will ask, why and how that happen so that we can do some measure to rectify it back. We will do anything to make sure nothing like that will occur in the future. We ask for reason but we get none.

Action and event always speak louder than words. I don’t believe about that before but maybe I should believe it now.

We are feeder for a degree programme and yet when things get bad, they need a scapegoat. So I don’t have to explain, you know what will happen next.

But something happens which ease our ears that hear.

When the results been announced, there are six students that are honour with Vice Chancellor award. Four of them are from our institutions. Four out of six is more than 50%. Isn’t that too good to hear? Well I believe that we don’t have anything to regret and now we are enjoying the news.

Up high? That is the word to explain all!

Cycle of Life

Do you still remember Lion King? The story about the lost lion cub, Simba, searching the meaning of life and fight to claim his thrown as the only heir in animal kingdom. Simba fight to uphold tradition and sustain the true cycle of life.

The story today is not about fighting for rightful position (eventhough I'm thinking about it), but to tell you my family history to show that life is about a cycle.

The boy in uniform is the famous Tah Hong Ming. An actor which appear in Yasmin Ahmad's short film that shown in national TV again and again to promote 1Malaysia campaign (before the idea of 1Malaysia has been brought up by our Prime Minister). The boy in orange shirt is not so famous, Mohd Alif is my own nephew. They look alike ey? But we don't have any trace of lineage from Chinese family, so does Alif's mother. To have a nephew with Chinese look is quite cute and to add he always pretending that he have the smile of the famous Tan Hong Ming.

So my brilliant in IT brother and an artist (Alif's father) superimposed this picture to show how similar they are. I have to agree for what they said after seeing this picture.

How that can relate to cirlce of life?

Well, 30 years ago when my brother (Alif's father) was a young boy, at the same age of Alif he too have this Chinese look which is so unfamiliar among our siblings. Well, we have typical Malay looks with some additional of Arab flavour. Because of his looks, he was consistently teased by my uncle and aunt. They called my brother as Hai Hong. We do not know what is the meaning of Hai Hong, maybe what my uncle and aunt mean that, he looks like typical Chinese son, not from a Malay family. My brother on the other hand was so upset with this calling, Hai Hong. He felt that he was not belong to my family due to his unconventional looks.

Years past by.

His first born child is a son, and his name is Mohd Alif. He's too looks like typical Chinese boy. The ironi, the name of Tan Hong Ming.

Well, life is about a circle. We should uphold the tradition, so the world will be in harmonious balance right?

:)

p/s: I don't think Alif upset when we called him Tan Hong Ming. He seems to like it as Tan Hong Ming is so famous. Maybe he think he is famous too. Well, Alif is actually famous in our family, no doubt about it. And he share the same birthday date with our late father. After two years Alif was born, our father passed away. My father was born on 1932 and Alif's 2002. Looks like the cycle has begin. We pray that he will gain the same talent, intelectual capacity, good heart and true servant as our father, his granddad. InsyaAllah.

Honesty 2

Is it very hard to be honest this day?

Will honesty bring harm to person who want to engage with this moral attitudes?

Being honest, while others are not is suffering. To witness colleagues score in tests and exams with flying colour eventhough they don't deserve it is annoying.

So will those who honest will remain honest?

My friend always remind her students to think twice if they have guts to cheat. They get marks for the effort which they don't even do. In economic practice it is kind of riba' (rasuah) or in English term they call as usury.

What is riba' then?

Riba' is an act of sins, in Islamic tradition the sin has been group into 10 biggest sins.

But will people listen to this? No, they will not, because everybody in this whole world involve in riba' whether they realise about it or not.

But to think you will make a living from immoral act is kinda scary. To think you will give your wife and kids from your earning, that is nightmare.

I always reflect to elders whom have been given good life and happiness. They are not rich, but they live in traquility. Their children and grandchildren do well in their life. When I do simple research on how they can manage this, the keyword is to earn money from righful source. In Islam, rezeki yang halal.

Rezeki nowadays, that form your blood, circulate throughout veins and organs are not halal anymore. When there are a lot of news regarding abandon baby, that is actually curse to our society. When peoples are killed, rob and all of the misery that happen without we can ensure when all of this will end, that too is a curse. Why this happen? Because people now live from rezeki which is haraam.

My respected friend always regard cheating is an unmoral act. She condemn the act and to all who are please with it and consistently repeat the same act.

And she is a teacher.

To me, condemnation is justify to those who commit with this sin. The worst is yet to come when they give money from their earning to their parents, wife, children and family. The earning is not halal (if they fail to repent). They will be condemn by for those who strive with sincerity. The worst of all, they will be condemn by their teachers. Their teachers will not pray for them, will not please with them, will not approve their knowledge to them.

We need a better society to live in. You need a better society for your children and grandchildren to live in. To start, be sincere to yourself, friends and your teachers. That will bring justice to all.

Don't even talk about how bad the world you live in right now, if you just can't be sincere to yourself.

Don't let your teacher condemn you, you will never succeed, here and hereafter.

The worst, don't let you future wife and childrens condemn you, for the reasons they don't know, but you on the other hand knew it very well.

Just be honest.

(gambar diambil dari warung diskusi, Diskopi)

Honesty

A time ago, during my study years, I’ve been advised by my lecturers and teachers to honour myself.

I asked them, “How can I do that?”

Then they said, “Never ever cheat during your test and exam.”

Well, I take that advised literally. I struggle to maintain good result while witness my colleague cheating and telling other out loud what they are doing.

Ironically, they got excellent result during test but never in final exam. That event depressed me because I can’t ever bring good mark for my carry mark. I always comparing myself with my colleague results, how foolish I’m to be so naïve (square) when everybody cheats without any guilt. And yet they score with flying colours (for carry mark but never in final exam).

“Is this justice?” That was the question during that time.

But the problem is, I’m too obliging with my lecturers’ advice. At the same time I’m questioning myself is it worth it? How in the earth being truthful to our self will bring honour and respect? Despite, my friend will always praise those who scores, not those who being honest.

One day, I met with my former teacher and having a good conversation with him. Then I asked him, how we can honour our self by not cheating in exam, while other doing it with pleasure. I’m asking him about justice.

He smile and said, “Justice not always have to be materialized.”

My face puzzled. “Enlighten me, Sir.”

“Well, your teacher always knows what are you doing even though they seem don’t bother. They always know who being honest and so who is doesn’t.”

He paused which make me impatient.

“Well, teachers they know. And they also recognize their student who being honest have the same set of question without being able to get the answer. I will tell you the answer…”

He paused again which make me more intolerant.

“After the day off when they prays everyday, day in day out, at least five time a day, your teacher will stretched their palm wide and pray. They will pray to God to bless their student who being honest to themselves, to their teachers, to their friends, and give them good life here and hereafter.”

“Have they not pray to other as well?”

He smiled, “Yes they do.”

“So, what is the different?

“The day when you meet with your teacher or lecturer again maybe five or ten years later, when you greet them they will start to recall your face. When they remember, you will never want them to have remark in their heart, “Owh, this is the student who cheats in tests 5 years ago (or 10 years ago). If this happen, you know what, you are actually being cursed. Your live have been cursed by a teacher.”

“Will all teacher remember?”

“Yes, they do."

"How about for those who being sincere?"

"When they meet you, they recognised your face and witness how well you're doing right now, he will extended his prayer and said, "Oh God, pleased blessed him/her, I'm approving my knowledge to him/her. I asked you now, is this justice?”

I nodded, agree with him. Knowing that, the prayers of teachers have magical effect to their students. I simply agree. I now know why my friends are not doing well out there. I now know. And agree, justice not always have to be materialised.