dream or thinking

People are scare to dream especially we as Malay. They create a traditional story about Mat Jenin that died because he is dreaming while completing his job. This create a significant stigma in Malay culture thus we forget to dream.

To me, I'm too affected with this story but now I really believe that this story should be remove from Malay traditional literature, and create new one, we called as Dare to Dream.

If dream is not significant, why we found it as crucial discussion to remark the beginning of the journey of Nabi Yusuf.

When I was still in my school uniform, I met SN A Samad Said at A&W. Ok, to be fair, I saw him not actually meet. He was sitting on a table with a cup of drink. He was staring at empty space and sit there for hours. I was there of course to pack meal on my way back home from my boarding school. I was amazed of what his doing, not admire but think what was actually he doing. Killing time I presumed. My conclusion at that time, he must not have anything to do, that why he can just sit there.

Now, I'm a writer myself (self proclaimed) know that, it is crucial to dream or more intellectual term, thinking. And now, I have conviction that what ever you dream, you will get it in the future. No doubt. InsyaAllah, with Allah wills.

It is about 6 years ago I wrote about compost activities in one of my short story. That story won a place in 50th commeration of Malaysia independent day organized by DBP. When I was writing that piece, I only imagine how to do it. What will be the sequence of activities involved. I also imagine the odor and the sweat to complete the task. That was my dream.

Today I have the oppurtunity to materialized that dream. Instead of imagining, I do it by myself and experience things which before only appear in my head. It took me 6 years, but still I live to see the dream come true. The bad smell I imagine in my head, is now tangible. The natural ingredient to produce natural fertilizer composted with my very eyes. The compost can be used to my plants and benefit them fairly. And the sweat, that come out from my body, taking it toll. It is easier to write then to do it.

What is more important, my friend now thinking to make it as an academic research. Beautiful isn't it? Have a dream, and witness it to come true.

How about you? I know that somehow, what ever you have now, you must dream it before. Without you know it, it is now in your hand.

I must have had dream before, that one day I walk with you side by side and watch you smile.

They said...

They said, the sweetness of living when you're fighting. Only then you will feel alive even at the end you're dead.

I said the sweetness of living when you're fighting for the ultimate truth. Because when you die, you still alive because martyr is never ever die!

I'm lucky because I meet in flesh a man saying this out loud even the whole world against him. He said, why bothered, at the end not these peoples will judge you, The Justice is.

And I'm buying.

Unlimited Energy

One day I met my long lost teacher. He is a man with wisdom, indeed a scholar. He said, "it is very crucial for us to get best education and great role model at the early stage of our life, especially during teenagers."

Definitely I will agree with him, no objection.

"You never know what they can do for you. During those days when you're younger, their saying seem don't makes any sense. But then years pass by, their words echoes in your ears. These words guide you. You follow them without any hesistation. Then you yourself will becoming a great person."

I asked him how this happen? What is actually great people can do to the young.

"At that time you're being condition. Only when you listen and believe. Their energy are enourmous. No limit no boundaries. You're actually benefitted from their energy. And you know energy cannot be destroy right?"

I nodded.

"Then, why hesitate. Go study overseas. There a lot of oppurtunity to learn from great people with the best education system."

I look at him sincerely and said, "I do not need to study abroad, I already have you as my teacher."

New Motivation

Welcome to the new year of 2012. The number seems so familiar and brings some fear. Am I a paranoid?

It been sometime I don’t update this blog, which I don’t want to make any excuses to justify. Now I’m convinced that as a human we actually don’t have any excuses. We don’t have to provide reason(s). You are a free will being, which there are only two answer either you wanted to do it or not. That will be your call and your choice.

Simple example, if you are about to read some reading material for school revision. At the same time you have your cutting edge smart phone or tablet near you. Instead of reading, you are focusing your energy to read all Facebook’s status updates or play Angry Bird. Is there anyone forcing you to do so? The answer is no.

The moment you take your smart phone and indulge with internet entertainment that is your own choice. The next day your teacher is asking for your works. You start to make excuses (helping mother to do the housework chores, have to baby sit brothers and sisters, terrible headache, etc). You are the master of your own body and soul, why blame others for things that you done.

It same goes to me. I don’t have any excuses not to write in this blog. But, at this point I do feel regret not to put my commitment. I started this blog with a very good intention. I even name this blog with other names which are BUA (Blog untuk Adik-blog for my brothers and sisters) and PUA (pesan untuk Adik - a reminder to my brothers and sisters). I’ve mentioned that eventually if it is turn to my time to leave this world, and I really don’t have any tangible materials things to give to my only little brother. If I do have, it wills not enough to make him happy.

So I make this blog, to extend my thought and feeling. Hopefully I write beneficial things for my brother to take good attention to it, contemplating and make right decision in his life. My motivation at that time was, my brother lost his father (my father too) at very young age, at 17. He was a few months to take his big exam, SPM, but fate never knows boundaries and limitation. When he lost his father at very young age, I know that he will never really know what our father looks like. He will never know that our father love him so much, and because of that he get all the attention. So I do write a lot of my father in this blog. At the end he will knows that our father is a great father. He will never die because he lives in our blood and DNA.

But the story of life never evolves in one single family. It is the story of humanity that relate to most of us. We share the same feeling and hopes. So I share with my other sisters and brothers who read this blog. Hope in some way, this blog will have meaning to others.

I have new motivation now.

Number 1. I'm going to take my English examination, so this is a part of the trainning. Rather than to write thing which is way to common (as suggested inside text books), may as well I write things which is important that touch me inside out. Things that I want to remember, meaningful and to keep the feeling. Now I know that, we can actually capture feeling between lines in writing. Really. Whenever I revisit old entries, most of the time I cried unwillingly. When I read others blogs, sometime the same things happen. Tears can't stop flowing and l'm not forcing.

Number 2. I just come accross this kind boy which say a good things in comment box. Jazakallahu khairan katsiran. This is what he said:

I'm flattered and gratefull. But that is not the biggest motivation. I'm surprised when I visit Harith blog's, he just a teenagers yet full of conscience. I wish when I'm a teenager, I have the same attitude. Then, I know I can become a better grown up. But of course, each of us have our own orbit. That suit us the best, and we should be thankful everyday. Alhamdulillah.

Number 3. Conviction. I have been introduced with this words years ago. But I never take heed. It just a word. But every word has it own weight. This word is heavy. In simple term it might define as believe and in Malay we defined it as percaya. Conviction is a fixed or firm believe. When you been convicted no one can change your decision, action, mind. You will not care for what people will say, or what ever the outcomes will be. You just convinced! I just come back from my pilgrimage for 43 days. My friends said that I've gone too long, but to me, it just only for a short while. I'm convinced that writing is essential to me. It is part of my life, I've been conditioned to become a writer even I never know if there are any people read my piece.

InsyaAllah. May Allah grant me the things I need to be consistent.

As to become as what Harith said, trying to change to become better Muslim.

Carrying the Weight of Your Name

Only recently it comes to my understanding (deep understanding), that every word contains meaning. Each word means to describe physical appearance, detailing (color, texture, and shape), behavior and lot of things beyond my capabilities to describe.

Let try one quick experiment. When you read ‘cat’ what is the thing that appear in your mind?

Perhaps, the same things that appears in my mind. We will imagine an animal, full with fur, whiskers, purr, and cute, lovely, sharp teeth and have claws. Name the details we might imagine the same. For those who are very much in contact with cats, they probably can imagine in more detail. For example the most famous cat in the internet is Maru (from Japan), cat dislike when we touch their feet, they will sound a specific sound when they see lizards, etc, etc.

That is how word contains meaning and this meaning is very specific.

That is how I now really understand the importance of the knowledge been given to Prophet Adam. Prophet Adam was thought the knowledge to name things, in scientific term as taxonomy. It is look like very simple but has strategic role and value in it. With this knowledge, Prophet Adam has been elevated to superior level to compare with the angels. Then the angels were asked to prostrate before Adam.

Isn’t it a beauty? The knowledge to name things is very significant to human being, so only then we can discretely identify things.

Now, how about your own name? Isn’t it comes from a good word. It is very rare that our parent will name us with bad name (word) aieee? So, your name will act on similar basis. The word itself contains meaning, and that is actually a prayer from parent to their children. They want you to become good, as the name accompany you along the way.

Again, let try one quick example.

Joseph (Yusof), is the name of a prophet. He is very handsome man, kind hearted, superb and brilliant leader, visionary, wisdom and virtue, the keeper of the knowledge of dream interpretation and so on. But the word describe Joseph that is common to people is handsome. So, you will bring the weight of this name, to become handsome and have charismatic appearance to other people.

…and Muhammad. The name is reflection of praise. And now we do know that our Prophet Muhammad sawa is worthy of praise, reflect to his name, as what Allah Himself ask us to do. Every morning, day and night to praise his name, when we perform prayer, when we are about to make supplication to Allah, we will praise Prophet Muhammad names, as adab in prayer, and to seek for intercession by his name.

Subhanallah. Again, isn’t it a beauty.

I’m struggling all these years to find the literal meaning of my name. Unfortunately, I’m the only children carrying a name without a literal meaning in it. Sad? I tell you the truth, yes, I’m quite sad. I searched the meaning of my name in many books (name and its meaning) and I bought Arabic dictionary to find out by myself for the sake of my doubt. Maybe my name is too unique so that it can’t find it way inside name book. But definitely my name is common. There are peoples with my name even though I’ll agree it is not too many. So I search the root word in Arabic dictionary. Not a single Arabic character match with my name written in Arabic (I’m using Al Marbawi dictionary).

To be true, I’m sad with this. I’m always this question inside my head, why my parent did not named me with a name that associate with literal meaning in it. While my other siblings do.

But now I know this realm, somehow I don’t have to carry the weight of my name. There will no expectation, generalization, specification and identification. Considering this aspects, this is good, doesn't it?

But I have a name and it is now open to give literal meaning for who I am. And I will, define it with a good meaning, by Allah will, by Allah will, InsyaAllah.

You, whom been given with a name with meaning, you’re carrying the weight of your name. Live it to the expectation, because you are…the name.

My Father

I seldom talk about my father, even I do sometime write about my father in this blog and my other blog. The thing is, I always wanted to be what I am, without people think and say; how come she can’t get all of that achievement, her father was him.

I’m reluctantly to be overshadowed by my father. But the truth is, I’m always my father’s child. If one day I should have an academic name, my name should be known as, Alias, A.

I’m very much selfish right?

Yeah, no matter how I think, I know that my father have a lot of impact and influence in me, making me who I am. Believing what I am. Most of the things I do are to prove to him I am worthy to be his child. I have his quality, his talent, his wisdom and all. Yeah, I’m very much struggled to be him, even I only get just a partial of his talents. The rest rests inside my other siblings. That is why I can’t do music and painting. I only can write but still I’m struggling to be at par of my father’s talent.

We seldom talk, because he was the man of action. He showed his love by action. Always make his family as number one priority rather than to satisfy his own needs and to indulge in his works. That is sacrifice to me. For a person who very much involve in literature and writings, composing music and play instruments, color and painting, he just let everything go for the sake of his family; that’s a lot of sacrifices to do.

I’m thinking if one day people ask me to stop and give up writing, I will apparently get mad and go crazy. That is too much in asking.

But my father was like that; a man of action, a man that knows his priority, a man without words, but plenty of beautiful words inside his heart. A man who are willing to sacrifice everything, to make sure we are born in this world, sharing the beauty lies in this Earth, spend every penny he had to make sure we learn and be independent, although we always hurts his feeling. How can a man can do this much?

Yes, I’m very much selfish. I never told my friends that my father was a writer, very good writer in fact. Because of his humbleness, we never actually read his published works neither see certificate of his achievement. Some of us have the privillage to read, but most of us not. That goes to his other masterpiece in song writing, composing, mastery in musical instruments, script writing, screen play and other artworks. He keeps it for his own to remember. Or now I believe that, he keeps it so that we will choose our own path without being burden to follow his footsteps. How can a man, sacrifice up to this extreme extend?

For a man, it is very much important for us to see, one or two of our child resemblance us in achievement and attitudes, but not my father. He kept everything away, so that we can be raise and believe you are good for what you are, you can choose the path that you like, you never have to become a teacher same like me, you can always be anything you like, you don’t have to have any art abilities and to perform it well, you can always be what you want to be.

That was and is my father.

I kept the fact I was raised by a father like his kind away from my friends and teacher knowing. I want them to believe that I perform base on my original talent. Even if my father still alive, he will let me to do that. I’m being selfish, I know. But deep inside my heart, I know that I can’t get anywhere farther from him, because he was my father, whom I love so much.

I keep it as secret because I’m still not yet at par with his achievement. How can I declared to crowds he was my father, if I’m still not worthy to be mention. And I still am, not worthy to be mention. But I can’t wait anymore. I’m afraid the time (where I’m worthy to be mentioned) never come.

But today, as my heart grows bigger missing him, I know that I just can’t keep it anymore. Whatever I do, it is a struggle to be like him. I hope that one day when I have the guts to mention, I already be somebody. So that people can see, the person that shaped me well and loves me unconditionally was him. He was my father who always there for me even he did not have any words to speak with me. But throughout the years, when he still alive or when he has already gone, I know that he speaks loud and clear, with the blood that circulate inside my body and vein. I heard him now, so clear and precise.

My father, Alias bin Haji Sulaiman (1932 - 2004), a teacher.

I’m indebted to him for all my life. Thank you for having me, love me still even I’m not a very good child to you, whom called me with my full name over and over, never my short name. Knows what make me happy and what I like, care about my well being.

Ayah, thank you to criticize me sincerely even you love me so much. You did that in order I’ll be guided and will not response to false praise.

Ayah, thank you to scold me when I’m not using both hand when I used the computer.

Ayah, thank you making me keep repeating Al Fatihah over and over until I know where to place the alphabet (makhraj huruf) and used the correct tajweed.

Ayah, thank you to teach me how to make ketupat’s cover, both ketupat sate and bawang.

Ayah, thank you to teach me how to cut vegetables correctly, and eat with pleasant heart my bad cooking.

Ayah, thank you for teaching me how to choose. You have made me understand to use systematic approach to choose when it is too hard for me.

Ayah, thank you to show us right and wrong, to uphold virtue, values and wisdom. Still giving even you have nothing. Being humble and sincere, and be a great father to me.

Ayah, thank you watching me straight at my face. I know that you wanted to say goodbye that day, a day before you’ve been released from this world. I still remember you face at that moment, and will be, towards the eternity. InsyaAllah.

Ayah, thank you for believing in me, bless me, forgive me, love me, only then I can be who I am.

Ayah, even you never heard this, I love you.

Happy Fathers Day to Ayah, Abah.

To all fathers out there who had sacrificed a lot for the well being of your children.

Yes of course, to you too, Cikli, Hans Words, Empangan Jernih, Cikgu, Anak Bumi.

(Thank you Ayah for looking straight to the camera, so we convinced that you're still watching.)

Al-Fatihah.

helping others

I just learned from a respected scholar quoting Zig Ziglar, in order for you to succeed in everything you do and hope for, you need to help others. He means others not for a few people, but a lot of them.

He, well, a renown scholar which I recently met, a muslim but believing what Ziglar said as true word of wisdom and worth practising. Of course, seeing him in front of my eyes with list of achievement, awards, recognitions, iconic in his field, well, I really can't write all, as a living prove for what Ziglar actually mean.

Of course this best practices can be found in Muslim book of wisdom, Al Quran which requires us to do the same. Almost every verses related to solah (prayer) will be accompany with the act of giving to others.

'Aqimussolah wa itauzzakah'

I only read that verses as it's literal meaning. But when I can organized my thinking system, then I believe we should give to others as much as we perform solah.

Well, helping others is a big word for someone that only think for himself. Someone who seek for personal achievement rather than aiming for community to prosper.

I believe in Quranic verses. I see this scholar's pile up achievements and still increased every year. I know that he is not helping others to have want he want. He already have everything.

I'm thinking of myself, can I do the same?